I was feeling a little depressed as I was standing in worship service at church. Is there more for our family than what we’re experiencing? More than just struggling through each day and hoping that the next day will be better? More for Brett? More for me? More for all of our girls? More joy? More peace? As all of these questions were floating around in my head God took me back to the year 1999.
Taylor was our only child and she was almost 3 years old. One day she marched up to Brett and she said “Daddy, I want a dollhouse for Christmas. And I want ALL of the stuff that goes in the dollhouse…..or I will cry!!!!” She was very assertive and clear about what she wanted.
So Brett and I went to Toys R Us. We put the Fisher-Price dollhouse in the cart and then Brett did what I knew he was going to do. Yep. He cleaned off the shelves. If it went with the dollhouse it went in the cart. I asked the question that the gal who takes care of the budget is supposed to ask. “Are you sure that we need to get everything that goes with the dollhouse? Could we just start with a mommy, a daddy, a daughter, and a couple of sets of furniture? Her birthday is 6 weeks after Christmas. We can come back and get more later, right?”
Nope. Daddy wasn’t going to mess this up. She asked for EVERYTHING that goes in the dollhouse. So she’s going to get EVERYTHING that goes in the dollhouse. Forget the budget. Daddy’s love for his little girl was more important than the budget. There were no tears on Christmas morning. Daddy had done his job well.
As my mind returned back to the worship service I knew what God was telling me “Yes, I have more for you. But are you expecting more? Are you asking for more? Or are you acting like you did that day in Toys R Us? Do you think just a few things are enough? Do you not realize that I want to give you so much more than you can even imagine? Maybe you should be more like Taylor. Maybe you should march up to me, your heavenly Daddy, and let Me know what you want.
I started to ask God for more for our family. One thing I began to believe for is that God is going to take Mikayla and Hope farther than anyone ever dreamed possible. The very next week we found out our insurance will no longer be paying for their therapies. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. The day the therapists talked to me about it I got really upset. I mean go home and crawl into bed and cry all night upset. Without insurance to help pay for their therapies the future seems pretty cloudy. Our girls love their therapists and they feel like a part of our family. The thought of starting over again with new therapists makes me sick to my stomach.
I began to do what I do best. I worried. I googled for an answer. I ate chocolate. I didn’t sleep for a week. I asked God why. I worried some more. And all of those things were a complete waste of time. Well, except for eating the chocolate. That was time well spent. But then it occurred to me that God was probably looking at me and thinking “Are you going to ask me? I want to give good gifts to those who ask.” Why do I worry, google, question, and go without sleep before I ask God to give me wisdom?
Brett read a devotion to our family at supper a few nights ago. It said that we need to stop asking God why and start asking Him what now? And so I’ve started asking God “What now?” He will show us what we’re supposed to do. Do I like what we’re going through? No. Do I understand what God’s doing right now? No. Do I wish the girls could stay with their current therapists? Definitely. Am I scared out of my mind? Unfortunately, yes. But we are starting a journey to find a new place where the girls can get the help that they need. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know this. God will never leave us and He will never forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6). He wants to lavish His love on us (1 John 3:1) just like Brett lavished his love on Taylor. I will trust Him. I will believe. And I will ask for everything He wants me to have. Just like Taylor.
Though my eyes cannot see every single step
And my heart feels unsure again
I’ll remember the strength of your love, oh God
I’ll hold onto the peace you bring